


Crackled Forgivness

by Velvet_Concrete



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben telling Callum the truth, M/M, Set before the September return
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:34:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26614561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velvet_Concrete/pseuds/Velvet_Concrete
Summary: Callum discovers that Ben has lied to him about the warehouse and confronts him. All from the perspective of Ben.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Kudos: 18





	Crackled Forgivness

"You lied to me."

Surprisingly, the feeling of horror which Ben had expected to feel flood him when Callum eventually found out about his lie didn't reach him. Instead, all he could feel was shame and guilt amplified; a tidal wave which had finally managed to erode away at his fragile footing.

Ben had knew Callum would find out, it was a niggling in his bones that he'd read instantly but turned the page immediately, feigning captivation in proving himself to people who always take and never, ever give, constantly seeking approval and love consistently dangled and pulled away as Ben's fingers began to close in. 

He knew Callum had opened the doors for him to tell the truth, a brilliant beam of light behind him, beckoning him; he'd wanted to sprint to him, follow him blindly because Ben knew he only wanted the best for him.

"What's that babe?" Play dumb, Ben, pretend you couldn't understand. Delay the inevitable.

They'd been drinking in the Albert, soaking in atmosphere through broken senses, skin tingling, over-compensating for the fractured life Ben had been left with. For over an hour, Callum was happy, eyes twinkling under the strobe lights; capturing Ben's constantly as his hand held his, thumb stroking a soft pattern across scratches and knuckles that had vibrated across Ben's heart. The touch grounded him, keeping him from floating away and losing control of every aspect of his life.

So when he'd returned from the toilet to see him staring blankly at him, phone tightly clenched in his hand, the wave had begun to descend upon him. Even when Callum maintained eye contact, the brightness in his eyes dimming as an internal battle provided the realization of Ben's deceit, Ben remained silent, opting instead to joke about the filth of the gents.

"About the night of the warehouse!"

The glorious setting sun provided no warmth as they both ascended the stairs into their flat. Ben had often scoffed at people recounting to him how they'd felt the make or break moment of their relationship before it happened. Well, Jay had, but he counts as all of Ben's friends so that counts for more. He'd dismissed this with a roll of his eyes, a "Oh yeah," accompanied with a chuckle.

He could feel it now as Callum blocked his path out the flat, arms wide and voice cracked even to his own broken ears. 

Ben had imagined this moment so many times when he'd tried falling asleep, Callum's arms wrapped around him, the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest centering his buzzing mind. In none of those fantasies he'd imagined in the dying of the day, did Callum look at him with not just anger, but with fury and, Ben noticed as his heart shattered, betrayal.

Deny. Deny. Deny. "I wasn't invo-"

"Don't! Lola rang me, getting me to ask you not make promises to Lexi and breaking them," Callum silently shouted, words suffocating the strangling breaths Ben struggled to pull out of the surroundings that Callum's heartbreak dominated. "She said you never turned up to put Lexi to bed. You lied about spending the night with her because you needed a cover story!" 

Despite the intermittent ringing and silence that had become his life, isolating him from everything apart from Callum, Ben heard the anguish and, worse, the disappointment, directed straight at him. 

Ben's mind tumbled around, ricocheting between lies and thoughts and panic, eventually grinding to a halt in front of a wall of silence. Ben's sudden interest in the wall did nothing to defer or deflate the rising tension. He only changed his point of fixation when the light provided by the street lamps outside, which barely reached the corners of the room, dimmed even further as Callum moved closer to him, each certain step echoing around, not only the room, but his erratic beating heart.

They'd entered this dance together, united against people's judgement; Jonno, Staurt, even Phil. For the first time in years, Ben allowed himself to share who he was with another person, allowed himself to open the broken vault inside him, expecting to eventually be faced with rejection. He'd spent years opening his heart and being repeatedly battered down until each new person saw less and less until nothing new poured out.

Some things had to remain a secret, no matter how much it pained Ben to keep it. Yes, he'd tried to use Callum for information but to actually confess to him that he'd been at the warehouse was something he couldn't do. Ben couldn't face the hurt and betrayal that would produce. He was already weak and helpless and there was no way he could allow himself to provide Callum with another reason to leave him. There was no point in trying to kid himself into believing that Callum would stay with him when he clearly was not the mask he had presented himself as. Yes, Callum had seen beneath everything, his shell, but who was Ben, a renowned screw-up, to determine whether or not he was actually good enough for a man who gave everything for free.

The small distance between them had morphed into an endless crater, connected only by a creaking, decayed, and fragile bridge that Ben longed to sprint across, break through each self-imposed barrier. A few steps became a perilous mountain, possible to cross but with unknown consequences, uncertainty plaguing each footfall.

"The truth, Ben. That's what I'm asking for. We don't lie to each other, do we?"

And he's running, adrenaline powering him across, echoes of heavy feet not deterring him. The truth. He can do that. Allow him to know because that's all Callum wants, and he deserves that and so, so much more that Ben can't hand over yet but he's trying, he is. Everything's pouring out as Callum stands, arms crossed as Ben projects the 'warehouse' and 'Danny' and 'stitch-up', followed by a thinly-veiled wince as 'gun' falls from his lips, his hand unconsciously covering his ear, feeling  
the phantom screech that often wakes him from his turmoiled sleep. 

Ben's world's crashing down around him, his dads' words mocking him, his evident weakness an embarrassment to the proud Mitchell name and Ben can't disagree, refusing to look at Callum. 

The slow, gentle movement across his ear, Callum's fingers overlapping his own, a blanket holding every negative thought and nightmare away, the ringing hollowing, the screeching dulling. His own eyes are closed, tears peaking out, unwilling to just stay put. This isn't what he deserves. Callum should be yelling at him, broken by Ben, yet another victim of Ben Mitchell who can just never let someone be happy. He shouldn't be cradled now, feeling the deep breaths of Callum wash over him as he cries.

Ben tenses slightly as his head is maneuvered back, allowing him to see the mixture of emotions painted on Callum's face, an unreadable jumble that Ben can't even begin to understand. "It's okay" he sees repeatedly as he watches Callum's mouth.

It's not. Ben knows it's not. He knows they'll need to talk, build back the trust he's broken, but he sees how Callum just wants to hold him, let him know that he's not leaving and Ben can't think of anything but relief and peace as they stand encased together in the middle of the room, frozen by love as the night hurries on by.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hope everyone is doing well! 
> 
> The most important thing I want to say is that if this portrayal of Ben’s perception of his hearing is upsetting or offensive please let me know. Bens whole viewpoint came from what he thought of as a weakness in himself which I feel like I reflected. I don’t believe that having partial hearing is in any way a weakness and I realise now that that is how this may have been taken. I’m sorry if people have read this and been upset that was never, ever my purpose.
> 
> This doesn't entirely follow the process of cannon however I started this in I believe July. I was so miserable with EE going off air with Callum not knowing the truth I had to write something that showed Ben's thought process and now I realize I'm waffling and no one cares so I hope this was okay and you enjoyed.
> 
> I also finally managed to hit over a thousand words and it only took over 5 months, that's an A for effort if I've ever seen one. Apologies for how late this comes in context of current storylines but I didn't want to just not post something I'd worked on. 
> 
> I hoped you enjoyed and hope you're well.


End file.
